Hello there and welcome to the *Writers-Workshop I believe this is your first entry to our workshop, and I hope it is the first of many. We always aim to do our best in helping writers improve, developing their skills, trying new things and generally working at their writing at a higher standard. We also encourage advanced critique on all submissions.

It was quite strange when I first read this as if felt longer than it actually was. It was only when I copied it into word (to help with my own spellings in critique), I realised it was only 297 words long. The positive in this is that you have managed to capture a lot in just a short piece, which is effective in good writing, especially if you have an interest in short stories.

As a whole I did like the flow and pace of the piece. We’ve captures a moment about two people who have this relationship that they don’t even know themselves where it leads. The things that concern me is that there isn’t anything else. We have this great relationship description, but there is no character, there is very little about whom they are and their lives. I understand the elements of brevity can cut that out, but you lose the essence of who they are by doing so. If you revise this, I think you need to keep this in mind.

I also find it strange how you have named Felicity but not ‘him’. Again this loses who the character is. If you look into the *Writers-Workshop archive, I actually hosted a workshop myself about how significant names are for creating interesting characters. For example, what if in Harry Potter throughout the book he didn’t have that name; he was just called ‘The boy wizard’? It wouldn’t make the story as interesting because you lose that initial first element of character.

In fact this falls into my next point where because he has no name, you have falling into the trap of using ‘he said/she said’ constantly. The repetition of him her she he kind of makes you lose the sentimentality that you are trying to create- and this is something else you really need to revise.

The other thing I found difficult to grasp was the age of the characters. I first thought they were young adults, but then when you mention the teacher at the end; it was almost like they were much younger, maybe only at the beginning of adolescence. You can clarify age without necessarily having to state ‘he was sixteen years old’.

Language wise, I think you have an excellent knack for pace. This is really important when you are developing emotion through a piece of writing because it helps the audience take in and connect to the story. There are however a few grammatical niggles floating about, a few places where a comma or a semi colon should be used just to tighten those lines up and make sure the intonation is read correctly (’There he was her counterpart’ for example feels like it needs a comma after ‘was’.). Be careful of using ellipses too, sometimes not having them can create a much stronger word structure than having them in for the pause.

Also just a tiny error, you’ve used ‘bare’ when it should be ‘bear’ right near the end.

I really enjoyed this piece, and I think with some revision that focuses on tightening sentences, creating character and irons out the minor errors, this will be a rather sweet and sentimental piece. You’ve definitely had a success with this metamorphosis process and I hope you continue to work on it.

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*Writers-Workshop

Scriptwriting Month- it’s here!

There are, as Beccalicious wrote, some spots that could use commas or semi-colons. She pointed out the first, but I've some more:

"time the"
"head but"
"it but"
"it however"
"him calling"
"girlfriend making"
"it they"

In addition, there are some place where an extra word seems unnecessary or just out of place:

"the" in "the each other"
"all" in "teachers all listened"
"around" in "each other around"

The sentences that include "each other" could have these two words changed to prevent needless repetition but maintain the meaning.

Aside from minor issues like these, you have made a work of prose that excels at capturing scene and mood. Character and flow could be improved with better punctuation, and, as Beccalicious wrote, by characterizing "him" a bit more.

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Yes, adequately disturbing.

Thank you so much for such a detailed critique. I've only recently started writing prose (not including school work of course) and your comments will really help me improve not just this piece but my writing in general. I've kind of felt lost since I've started writing prose because it seems to me that there are so many things to worry about in developing a good piece. Thank you so much and I'm sure you will see more of my work submitted in the writers-workshop.

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"Whatever you do,
don't congratulate yourself too much
or berate yourself, either.
Your choices are half chance,
so are everybody else's."

Thank you for the specific references. I know that I generally have trouble with punctuation and often times spelling as well. However I can never seem to find the problems myself so it is very helpful to have them pointed out. Hopefully lots of repetition will make it come easier for me.

--
"Whatever you do,
don't congratulate yourself too much
or berate yourself, either.
Your choices are half chance,
so are everybody else's."

I have a similar problem with finding small errors. Usually, it helps if I read out loud what I'm writing, or, if I'm proud of it, have someone else read it for flaws (perhaps lessening the pride as well as the mistakes). You made a really good piece. Keep writing!

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Yes, adequately disturbing.

haha yea I can find some when I read it out loud but sometimes I just don't even know what's wrong other than the fact that something is wrong.

--
"Whatever you do,
don't congratulate yourself too much
or berate yourself, either.
Your choices are half chance,
so are everybody else's."