2pinksink

Terror gripping me, ripping me apart, self hate dissolving me, never solving me. Searing my face with tears I cry, for reasons I don’t know why. I let myself fall into the clouds, the abyss. So that I can just dis- appear, in a world of smoke and mirror, where I can love her here. Where I don’t fear. Where my lips meet soft lips, and lady legs entwine. Where I let my soul be, uniquely mine. But it’s always just a fantasy, a life waiting to be.

I abandoned my post, closed my book, and put down my pen. I have fallen down, stood up, and chased the sun west. I have lost myself, found myself, and lost myself again. Now, anchored in place by responsibility, I feel the call. I feel the tug at my heart. I feel the words forming in clouds and strings, booming and spiraling. My head hurts. My soul aches. I must speak.

         When I was a kid, my relationship with other females was tenuous at best. I felt like girls operated within this crazy web of rules and regulations, but I didn’t have the slightest clue what they were. I tried really hard to run with the boys, but the older I got the more I was forced into this separate category of “girl.”         I think I was six the first time I thought: “I wish was a boy.” It’s not that I was suffering from gender dysphoria. I never felt as if my body was somehow mismatched with my brain. My desire was motivated by the sudden realization that my brother was allowed to walk aro

Truth: I am sometimes lazy, Sometimes spoiled, Undeniably privileged, Uncontrollably so. A truth, My mother will not grasp. But truth be told, I was raised humble. Raised with love, And not hate. Never hate. I am sympathetic, although, At times, apathetic. Of that, it is true, I am guilty. The truth is, I walk a line. Undeservingly, Protected by my skin, But endangered by my, Gender and sexuality. Truly, I wish, to be, Part of the solution, Not problem. Terrified by the burden, Of responsibility. Young minds, Half-watching, half-listening. If I am lucky. I will say the words, That need to be said, At the time they should be said. And th

On the verge of twenty-one, And she's still a child. Once convinced, She was wise beyond her years, Well versed in teenage melodrama. She knows she never learned, Never found the way forward. Intelligent, yes, undeniably, Capable, no, certainly not. Thirteen to twenty-one, And what is there to show for it? Corruption. Scars. Failure. Brief moments of ecstasy. But most of all confusion. Confused by the way it circles back, And she always wants to go back, But can't name one time back when, When it was easy. On the verge of twenty-one, And she feels the same, The same as thirteen, The same as sixteen, The same as eighteen, Her world changes an

Renew, Re-use, Recycle, The feelings of refreshing spring Spring on me like always As I reconnect with my happiness After a long harsh winter Filled with bad decisions and laziness Renew, Re-use, Recycle, The thoughts in my brain circle Realizing I've preached the same Reworded message of despair Over and over again since last fall Uncreative and unmotivated Renew, Re-use, Recycle, The future's gift of another restart As I press reset on life again Looking towards my undeserved chance With a hopeful yet hesitant heart beat I know where my faults lie in wait Renew, Re-use, Recycle, The cycles of my mental state continue Diz

Flow with the night With the beat With your feet Let the muse flow Let the bodies go Out to the street Down to the beach Flow with the night Out in the sand Dance the land Let life flow Let your body go Go with the sound Go with the night Flow with the night

I just can't seem to find a way, To move forward from yesterday. All the people that I've lost in selfishness, And the things I never did cause I was weak. I fought so hard to get to where I am now, And want nothing more than to go back again. I always thought all I needed was myself As it turns out I can't take one single step alone. No longer a child I'm cast out in this world. I'm scared and uncertain of everything. These training wheels still drag behind me, Scraping and catching on every crack I see, They pull, reminding me of what has been. But I can't let go I'm not ready for this to be. I wish I had an out and that momm